


Curse Me Out All You Want

by maradaeng



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 2min are besties, Angst with a Happy Ending, Exes to Lovers, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, I made people cry, I'm Sorry, M/M, changjin are besties, the ending is cute tho, this was a social media au, trust me - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:40:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26661586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maradaeng/pseuds/maradaeng
Summary: "Yell at me! Tell me all the things you wanted to say when I broke up with you. Yell at me so we can go back to the way things were. Because I don't know how much longer I can stand it without you.""You're an asshole, Hwang Hyunjin."
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 99





	Curse Me Out All You Want

**Author's Note:**

> from this [prompt](https://twitter.com/seungjinaus/status/1306719364129857536)

**January 2, 2020**

It’s been a month. A month since I made the worst mistake I could ever make. Tell me, Seungmin, would you forgive me? Tell me, if I open your chat, if I unblock you, would you be able to forgive me? To give me another chance? Tell me, Seungmin, do I deserve it? Do I even deserve it? I’ve always thought everyone deserves a second chance. I’ve always thought everyone deserves to prove they’ve changed. But looking at me, looking at the past, looking at those painful texts… do I? Am I one of those people that deserve another chance? Do I even deserve you? I think I don’t. But even so, I still want it. I still want another chance. I still want you. Because I’m selfish. I’ve always been. I’ll always be. I guess some things are doomed to remain the same, but are we one of those things, Seungmin-ah? Can we press the rewind button? Can we go back to how we were? Tell me, Seungmin, would you be able to forgive me? I wish I could say all these things to you. I wish I could be brave enough to talk to you. But I am a coward. All I do is run away. All I do is avoid my responsibilities. All I do is repress my feelings. Hurt other people. Am I a good person, Seungmin? How did someone like me manage to get in his life someone like you? How did you, Kim Seungmin, see something in me? Did I treat you well? Was I good enough? It is quite stupid to ask this when I’m writing this after I fucked up.

Tell me, Seungmin, can I be selfish a little longer?

**— hhwang**

Hyunjin is not even surprised when, after gathering enough courage to unblock his number, he finds his texts are not even being delivered. Meaning that, of course, Seungmin blocked him. Hyunjin feels stupid. He should have known, he should have expected it, but deep down, a small part of his heart still had faith. And Hyunjin laughs, because he knows he deserves it. But even when he deserves it, he doesn't want it to be that way. Because, again, he is just thinking of himself, as he has been doing all this time. Because, again, he regrets everything, as he has been doing all this time. Hyunjin wipes a small tear that is already rolling down his cheek and types. Types his pain away. Types his feelings, his emotions, his salty tears. Types everything he wants Seungmin to know, types everything Seungmin won't even read. Hyunjin types his regrets and sadness and broken heart. Hyunjin types that he misses him, that even after one month has passed, he still loves him. And he will still love him no matter how much time passes.

Hyunjin types his regrets, those he has been hiding without success. He types those regrets that have been killing him inside since that day. Hyunjin types and types and types. And sends and cries and, again, sends everything he should have said when it wasn’t too late. There is a moment in which words aren’t coming out, in which words seem to not be enough. Words can’t even express what he is feeling at the moment. Words can’t express the amount of pain that resides in his heart. So he just stares at the screen, at all the texts he has sent. He stares at that empty profile picture. He stares where he used to see his beautiful face. He is now empty, even more than he already was. He is now an empty container that can only be filled with his own tears and sobs. He is now an empty container for those words that now wander around without any destination. And he wonders if it’s okay for him to sleep now.

**February 14, 2020**

A lot of things have changed. Everything has changed. I’ve changed. I’m sure you’ve changed. Our friends have changed: we are not friends anymore. The only thing that remains the same it’s my regretfulness. The only thing that remains the same are my feelings for you. It’s funny, I must say, that I’m broken. Now everything seems so ridiculous… me, who was running away from being hurt and ended up hurt anyways. Me, who didn’t want to suffer anymore. Me. I’m ridiculous. I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore. It just doesn’t make sense. Words don't make sense anymore. I just know that today is Valentine's Day, and it’s ridiculous and pathetic that I thought of you at the exact moment I opened my eyes. I remember how we used to spend this day. I remember the cute frown on your beautiful face while you complained about Valentine’s Day: “A day to celebrate love? Love should be cherished every day. This is just another lame excuse of capitalism to take our money”, you said. I could only nod with a (I’m pretty sure) stupid smile on my face, thinking of how gorgeous you looked that day. I still remember how, after complaining, you would drag me to your dorm to watch those romantic films you have always loved. I remember how, after complaining about Valentine’s Day, we would celebrate it by watching those overly sweet and cliché movies and making love until late at night. I remember your sweet ‘I love you’s’, your soft caresses all along my back while I held you tightly between my arms. I remember you. I miss you.

**— hhwang**

Hyunjin has gotten used to texting him every day. He well knows Seungmin won't read any of the texts he sends, he well knows Seungmin will never know about how he has been feeling all this time — but texting him turns out to be quite comforting. It gives him an immense sense of peace that is indescribable. It is as if, for a moment, on the other end of the phone, was Seungmin, smiling at the screen at the thought of him. It is as if, at some point, the so waited notification with his name would pop up on his screen. But he knows that never will happen. At least, not any time soon. 'Hey, Seungmin,' he starts, 'a lot of things have changed. But you probably already know that. Today I saw Minho hyung at the studio. It's been a while since I last saw him. We used to see each other almost every day, we used to dance and practice together. We used to laugh together. We used to be there for each other. It is a very strange and sad feeling that things have turned out this way. He doesn't talk to me anymore.’ Hyunjin has to make a pause to wipe away the tears that have formed in his eyes, which make his sight blurry and prevent him from typing. Then he continues: 'Not that I blame him. If I was him I wouldn't talk to me either.’

‘Seungmin, a lot of things have changed, but my feelings seem to not be able to move on. My heart is not able to forget you, it is not able to let you go. My heart is still in denial. Even after all this time, my heart refuses to believe I really lost you. My heart aches for you, Seungmin-ah. Even if it doesn't have any right, my heart is in pain. And what can I do for it to heal? What can I do to stop hurting? You were the only thing that kept me sane, Seungmin. What am I supposed to do now that I pushed you away? What am I supposed to do without the reason why I smiled every day?’

He presses 'send', as every other night. And as every other night, he goes to sleep, hoping for his name to be between his notifications the next morning. The next morning, as any other day, his hopes are shattered into pieces as he faces reality. His reality. A reality that hits him like a truck. And he thinks that he should be used to it by now. He thinks that he shouldn't let himself hurt like that… but it just seems impossible.

**March 8, 2020**

Thank you, Seungmin-ah. Thank you for everything. Even though I’m older, even though I’m your hyung, you’ve always been the one taking care of me. Even though you’re younger, you’ve always been the one to worry. I am thankful for that, but also embarrassed. I wish I could have been a better hyung for you, Seungmin-ah. I wish I could take care of you right now. I wish I could see you right now. I wish I could tell you how sorry I am, I wish I could tell you how grateful I am. I wish I didn’t break your heart. You’ve been nothing but an angel to me. Always smiling, always so playful, always so caring. So supportive. So funny. Smart. Talented. I could go on all day, I could fill pages and pages of you, of you and just you, just to describe how perfect you are. And even so, I would run out of paper. But, in reality, there are not enough words to describe the amazing person you are. 

Seungmin, I hope you’re eating well. I hope you’re not skipping meals and that you are resting enough. I know you always tend to overwork yourself, and that is something I didn’t get to understand. You’re smart enough to know you should take better care of your health. But you are also stubborn. I hope you’re doing fine, Seungmin, and I’m sure you are. You’ve always been strong. 

Seungmin-ah, I need you.

**— hhwang**

'Today I heard from Jeongin that you are quite stressed, and I wish I could be there next to you. I would give you a carton of banana milk, your favorite, and then I would drag you out of the dorms to help you clear up your messy thoughts and mind. I say drag you because I know you would complain and refuse to leave your desk. 'Yah, Jin-ah, I need to get this done as soon as possible', you would tell me. And I would just stare at you fondly, as I always do. Sorry, used to do*. I'm still not used to this… 

Seungmin-ah, I hope you're not giving up hours of sleep to study. I know you. I know you better than I know myself. I know you better than you could ever get to know yourself. You're smart, Seungmin. You can do it. Don't skip any meal, drink enough water and sleep well.'

Hyunjin wants to end this here. He wants to press 'send' and cry and then fall asleep, as his routine has become. But his heart is still not at ease. 'Would you believe me if I told you that I love you? It's stupid, right? How could I love you, how could I be so shameless and tell you that I love you, after what I did. You would think I'm insane. And maybe I am. You would think I'm messing around. And I wouldn't blame you for that. It's stupid. I'm stupid. Always have been.'  
  
  
  


It is December 2. It is 7PM and Hyunjin has just woken up. He has been sleeping for a long time now, and when he straightens up himself on his bed, in the darkness of his room, he feels like sleeping a little more. Maybe until the day ends. Maybe until December 2 is over. Because it is _the day._ He rubs his eyes as he checks the time, he feels like he has forgotten something, and when Changbin’s name suddenly appears on his phone’s screen, he finally remembers.

" _Hyunjin, why weren't you answering your texts and calls? You were worrying us. We have been waiting for almost twenty minutes now_." As mad as Changbin sounds, Hyunjin is able to perceive the concern in his tone. He can’t help but feel sorry for Changbin, because he is aware that he has only been nothing but a burden to him during all this time. And he wishes it had been different. He wishes he hadn’t made him worry that much.

"Sorry, I forgot to check my phone. I'm not going, hyung."

" _Huh? Why?_ " Changbin makes a pause. Maybe because he has realized how stupid that question is. Maybe because he doesn't know what to say anymore. " _Hyunjin… you know it will be better if you come with us. Have some fun, distract yourself — that way you won't think too much about it_." It? More like _him_ , Hyunjin wants to say, but it only remains as the voice in his head.

"I will. Even if I go with you… I will. Today it makes a year, hyung. One year."

" _I_ _know…_ "

"I'm such an idiot."

" _Don’t be so hard on yourself. You were having a hard time too, Hyun. You can't put all the blame on you_." Hyunjin laughs. It's bitter and dry. Changbin has a point, but it's not an excuse. 

"You just say this because we have known each other since third grade, Changbin. What I did was… disgusting. There is no other word to describe it."

" _Look, I'm not saying you're a saint. Not at all. 'Cause you're not. But that is all in the past and there is nothing you can do about it, Hyunjin. The sooner you realize this, the better everything will get. You can't keep it like this, for God's sake, Hyun. It's not going to do you well. It's your last year of college, you need to focus. You need to get your shit together. Crying is not going to make him come back to you._ " Hyunjin knows. He already knew before Changbin told him. He already knew, but then… Why does it still hurt when he says it like that?

"I don't want to talk right now, hyung. Enjoy your evening with Jisung." The call ends. And Hyunjin goes back to sleep.

  
  
  
  
  


_That day's tone that was especially cold._

It's funny that he didn't realize everything sooner. It's funny that, after a year, he comes to realize how things were thanks to a heartbreaking post-break up song. It’s pathetic.

_One, two days, business that became excuses._

_Dead down feelings that became obvious in the end._

It was all so clear… And Seungmin was just too blind. Everything is funny. Amusing. Hyunjin broke his heart and yet he is the one wasting his time by feeling guilty. Hyunjin broke him down to pieces and yet, he cries his eyes out every single night. Seungmin feels bad because he thinks, no, he believes, he wasted Hyunjin's time. And maybe… maybe he did. It's funny how, after everything, Seungmin still can't get him out of his mind. He, who hurt him. He, who broke him. 

He, who Seungmin still loves. 

Every night, when the sun hides after an exhaustive journey, Seungmin wonders if he would run to Hyunjin if he was in front of him. It scares him. The day he has to face Hyunjin again, after all that time… it scares the shit out of him. And the fact that such a day is closer than ever… it's just terrifying.

" _Are you okay, Min?_ " No 'good night, Min'. Not even just a 'hello'. Minho is as blunt as he has always been. And Seungmin loves him just like that. Seungmin is thankful that he has Minho.

"Yeah." Lies. Liar. He is a liar. A very bad one. Minho stays silent. "No, not really. I feel like crying."

" _That's how you've been feeling for the last twelve months_." Seungmin has always admired how Minho just laughs the pain away. Sad thing he is not Minho. Sad thing is not that easy for him.

"Thank you so much for your support, hyung. I love you too. What would it be of me without you?" Even though he says it sarcastically, he means it. Not that he will say it out loud.

" _Stupid. You can't keep crying for that asshole._ " Yes, he can. And he will.

"He kind of had a reason, though…" Self-guiltiness.

" _Seungmin, for fuck's sake. Thank God that I'm not there, 'cause I don't know what I would do with you if I had you in front of me right now. How can you keep defending him? How is it that you don't want to punch him in the face?_ "

"Who told you I don't want to? I'm not defending him, it's just—"

" _Just what? You still love him, I know you do. You can't lie to me, Min. I have always known._ " Seungmin hears Minho sigh at the other side of the phone. It is a tired sigh, more than a disappointed one. " _What's worrying you, Min?_ "

Sometimes it scares Seungmin how well the older knows him. Sometimes, that relieves him. "Hyung… I don't know how to face him. I'm scared. I'm not ready to have him in front of me."

" _You don't have to face him if you don't want to_."

"It's going to happen sooner or later, hyung…"

" _Min, you need to let him go. He made himself clear, didn't he? He doesn't deserve you. Did he even try to contact you? Does he even care, anymore? Fuck him._ " Minho's words hurt. Truth always hurts. Maybe that is the reason why people lie. Maybe people rather live in a happy lie than in a painful truth. But does that even make sense? " _I_ _t's late, Min. I must go to sleep. You should get some rest, too._ "

"Goodnight, hyung."

" _Night, Min._ " Pause. " _Can't wait to see you._ "

"Yeah, me too." Another pause. "Thank you for everything."

" _It's nothing. Love you._ "

"Love you too."

Seungmin knows he shouldn't do it, even less after Minho has talked some sense into him (which seems to have failed), but it has been so long, he is so confused… he is staring at that empty chat. That chat that once used to be filled with sweet texts and comforting words. That chat that, with the pass of time, slowly became cold and dark. That chat that lost its colors. Seungmin doesn't know why. He doesn't know if it is because today it makes a year. He doesn't know if it is because, soon, he will be back home. He doesn't know why, but he unblocks Hyunjin. What he wasn't expecting was an 'I miss you' to appear in that exact moment. He freezes. And Hyunjin, on the other side of the world, on the other side of the phone, freezes too. Seungmin is brought out of his thoughts when his phone's screen lights up again. _Hyunjin is calling_. 

Again: Seungmin doesn't know why. He doesn't know if it is because he misses him, because he still loves him or whatever the fuck it is happening with him, but he picks it up. 

" _Seung? Is that you?_ " Hyunjin's voice paralyzes him for a moment. It has been so long… he has missed it so much. It hurts so bad.

"Yes." Hyunjin, on the other hand, feels like he could faint at any moment. He feels dizzy. He feels sick. Seungmin's voice is still as soft as it has always been. And it has such a rough effect on him that he is at a loss of words for a moment.

" _Why did you unblock me? Fuck, I can't believe this. God, I—_ "

"Why do you keep texting me? I thought you made it clear last time."

" _No, no, Seung. That was… That was a total mistake. It was so fucking disgusting of me…_ "

"It was."

" _Seung—_ "

"Don't call me that." His voice is cold as ice. It is firm. But what Hyunjin is not able to notice is that Seungmin is holding back the urge to cry, that he is trying his best for his voice not to break. "Please, just… don't do it." _Don't do it. Because if you do, I won't be able to hold the tears anymore._

" _I won't, I promise. But let me talk to you, that's the only thing I ask._ " Hyunjin is waiting for an answer, but Seungmin seems to have become mute. In reality, he is just biting his lower lip, holding back his sobs. " _Please._ "

"You're already talking to me. Look— I don't even know why I did this."

" _We both know why…_ " Because it has been a year. Because it is December 2. Because they still love each other.

"Unblocking you was a mistake."

" _Seungmin, no— Please… This just… It hurts so much._ "

"What? It hurts?" Seungmin lets out a bitter laugh, not believing what he is hearing. He can’t believe Hyunjin has the guts to talk about hurt. "Who the fuck do you think you are to talk about being hurt? Have you ever stopped to think what I've been through? It was hell, Hyunjin. _Hell_. There was no day in which I didn't cry over you. Over someone who doesn't even deserve _any_ of the tears I've dropped. How can you talk about being hurt? How can you say that when you were the one to break me? I'm tired, Hyunjin. I’m tired of this sick joke.”

" _Seungmin, I didn't mean to underestimate your pain. It's just—_ " But Seungmin has already hung up, and when Hyunjin texts him, he has already blocked him, again.

"Fuck!" Hyunjin throws his phone away, as far as he can. He is sitting on his bed, face buried between the palms of his hands and messy hair falling shamelessly down his face. That night, the faint moonlight carefully sneaks through the thin glass of his window. That night, heavy sobs and salty tears fill the darkness of his room and soul. Hyunjin cries, but that time he doesn’t care about the neighbours, that time he doesn’t care about waking up his parents. That time, Hyunjin lets out all the pain that remained untouched deep inside his heart until that very moment. 

Hyunjin’s mother has been aware of his son’s pain since the very beginning, so she is not surprised when she encounters him crying like that at 2AM — his shoulders are shaky as the loud sobs escape from his mouth, his voice breaking every time he mutters he misses him, every time he mutters his name. Seungmin’s. Hyunjin’s mother makes her way to his side, and once she has her arm around his trembling body, he cries harder. No words are needed, no words can make him feel better. Just her comfort. He cries on her lap, feeling her delicate strokes all along his hair. He cries. He sobs. He chokes on his own tears. He chokes on his own pain. And even when his mind is blurry and messy, he thinks of him. Even when he can’t think straight, Seungmin still fills his mind. Even when he acknowledges Seungmin won’t ever come back to him, he thinks of him.

Seungmin, as every day since that fateful day, cries to sleep. That day, between suitcases and chaotic thoughts and between song and song, he cries until his eyes can’t take it anymore. He cries because, even when he wants to forget him, he can’t. He cries because, even when he wants to be mad, even when he wants to forget him, he _can’t._ He cries because, no matter how hard he tries, he can’t stop loving him. And he wonders, as he hugs his pillow with all the strength he has left, if he should forgive him. He wonders, as tears roll down his red cheeks, if everything will be fine.

That day, Seungmin falls asleep without having lunch. That day, Seungmin sleeps until late at night. Seungmin sleeps until he doesn’t know what time, what day, what month or what year he is living. And when he wakes up, he just wants to sleep again. He wants to keep on sleeping. Because that’s the only way he can’t feel the pain. Seungmin sleeps because, that way, he can escape from Hyunjin, who chases him relentlessly, until he finds himself out of breath. Hyunjin, who chases him until a dead end. 

It is that same night, after his mother is gone, when Hyunjin’s world turns upside down for the second time. After months, after a really long time, he receives a text from Jeongin. ‘I really should not be doing this, but I pity you’, it says. Hyunjin is tired, he just wants to sleep. He just wants to tell Jeongin to let him rest, that he can scold him tomorrow, after his nightmare is over. ‘Look, hyung, I texted you to tell you Seungmin hyung is coming back’. Hyunjin wonders if that is the moment when he is supposed to start crying again. He wonders if he has forgotten what Seungmin looks like, but that doesn’t make sense, because how could he, when he looks at his pictures every single day. There is a lot going on in Hyunjin’s mind, yet it feels like he can’t think of anything at all. 

That night, he learns Seungmin will be back tomorrow. That night, Hyunjin’s heart sinks on the bottom of his chest. It sinks under the idea of seeing him again, it sinks under the pain of hearing his voice. It sinks under the idea of losing him once and for all. ‘Not saying that I want you two together again, because, after all, that’s on Seungmin hyung. But it would be nice if you guys talk about everything that has happened. I really think you should’. Jeongin is right. Jeongin is the younger, but even so, he has always been the one to snap some sense on him. And Hyunjin can’t help but think how much he has missed talking with Jeongin. ‘I missed you too, hyung.

I just wish everything was different.’

 _Me too_ , Hyunjin thinks. 

The last thing Jeongin asks him is to wait. He asks him to wait for a few days, until Seungmin settles down and adapts again. Hyunjin agrees. The last thing he wants is to scare or pressure Seungmin. He doesn't want to overwhelm him, and looking back at their conversation… It might be difficult to get to talk to him. But Jeongin promises he will help him. He promises him he will text him once he thinks Seungmin is ready, he promises that everything will be alright. That there is nothing to worry about. And Hyunjin can't help it but remain unsettled.

**December 2, 2020**

Today marks a year. A year since I made the worst mistake I could ever make. The mistake of losing the most important and essential person of my life. The mistake of losing you. Today marks one year since I pushed you away. Today marks a year since my selfish and immature and stupid self pushed away the most caring person most caring person I could ever meet. Today, Seungmin, I’m still filled with nothing but regrets. Today I’m still with sadness. Today, as inconsistent as it may sound, I’m still filled with emptiness. And you may wonder, Seungmin, how emptiness can fill something, and the thing is that, even today, I wonder that, too.

Today, Seungmin, I still miss you.

**— hhwang**

  
  
  
  
  


It is on a cold December morning that Seungmin’s plane lands in Korea. Seungmin is nervous, so nervous that his pulse trembles on the handle of his suitcase, but the moment he sights Felix’s silver head, the moment he sights Chan’s big smile and dimples, the moment he sights those pretty eyes of Yang Jeongin, the moment he sights Minho’s shoulders relax as he lets out a small breath of relief… it is at that moment that he knows everything will be just fine. He knows that he doesn’t care about anything anymore; that nothing matters at the moment and that he only wants to have his friends between his arms and never let them go. Seungmin doesn’t usually cry, at least, he doesn’t usually cry in front of the eyes of others, but on that cold December morning, Seungmin can’t help it, and when he feels Minho’s strong arms clasp him tightly, tears escape from his eyes as if they had been held for an exhaustive amount of time, as if they have been captive for so long that they needed to see the light.

Seungmin is not surprised when he doesn’t see Changbin, because in a way or another, he already knew that he would not appear. But Seungmin _is_ surprised when he doesn’t Jisung, because even though their relationship was not the same since _that_ day, Seungmin hoped to see him there, with them, sharing their tears. And, as much as he doesn’t want to admit it, it hurts. It hurts him so bad to not see Jisung there, it hurts that Jisung didn’t choose him after all. _Choose._ It is a very strong word, maybe even a little selfish, Seungmin thinks, but given the events that took place a year ago, something inside Seungmin still squirms. And it’s a bittersweet feeling. Seungmin looks at Minho, and Minho, being Minho, being Lee Minho, his best friend, who has always understood him, who always, even when there are no words, knows what is on his mind, gives him a bitter smile. And Seungmin nods. He nods because he acknowledges he won’t see much of Jisung.

That same afternoon, having rested after a long and tiring flight, Seungmin manages to gather the necessary strength to celebrate with his friends. They celebrate his comeback, they celebrate that after a year and four months, Seungmin is finally home. And while making a toast to it, while saying those words, Seungmin can’t help but wonder if Korea feels like home now. Too many painful memories are stuck in his heart, too many sadness still fills his soul. There are so many memories with _him_ that his mind is not at ease. While everyone is smiling, laughing, toasting, singing; while everyone is happy, Seungmin’s mind is far away from them. Seungmin’s mind is busy. Busy wandering between memory and memory, busy recalling what he once thought was his true home. Remembering those arms that once _were_ his home. Hyunjin’s. And even when he shouldn’t even when it’s stupid to keep doing so, Seungmin thinks that he still misses them. _Him._ He misses his warmth, he misses how safe he felt while he held him. He misses _everything_ about him. And for the nth time that night, he wonders what he would do if he was in front of him.

  
  
  


**January 2, 2020**

It’s weird that I’m doing this, but I need to let it all out. I need to let out all of these poisoned feelings that are killing me inside. I need to write down how broken I am. Today it makes one month since we last talked, Hyunjin. One month. It’s been one month since you left me, and until a few days, I still asked myself if I did something wrong. It’s been a month since you just vanished from my life. Just like that. In just a blink. But it’s so clear now… I hurted you. It wasn’t my intention, but I did. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that I couldn’t see how much pain you were enduring by yourself. I’m sorry that I didn’t think of you when it all started. I’m sorry that I left you. Hyunjin, even now, after a month, even now, after everything that has happened, I still love you.

**— seungs**

**February 14, 2020**

It’s Valentine’s Day. For me, it’s an irrelevant day. I never paid much attention to it, but you already know that. But for you… you’ve always loved this day. You, who would always come and wait for me until my classes are done, with your beautiful and big smile, and your eyes growing into crescents at the moment you spot me. You, who would wait for me and take my hand and lead me God knows where, “What are you doing? Where are you taking me?” I would ask you, but you wouldn’t answer, you would just keep walking, your dumb smile growing wider, if that is even possible. You, always making up romantic surprises for me. You, buying me the biggest and most dramatic bouquet of roses you could find. You, trying to copy those romantic films I love and you said to hate. And how could I resist everything, when you looked at me as if I was the most important thing to you? I never cared about Valentine’s Day, I only cared about you. I only cared about every single detail you had with me. 

Now I feel lonely, because when I stare at my phone, your chat is empty, is cold. Your profile picture is no longer there. Now I don’t have your daily texts asking me if I’ve eaten already, asking me how my day was. I don’t have your daily I love you’s. Now I don’t have you. But it’s my fault. I should have known. Since the very beginning, Jin, I should have known this would happen. Since the very beginning… I should have known you would leave me.

**— seungs**

  
  
  
  


Jisung is late. That is nothing new, Jisung is always late. But he is never _that_ late. Hyunjin is already at the café, sitting in their usual spot next to a large window. From his seat he can see people passing by, each of them in their own world, oblivious to everything around them. He envies them. 7:34PM. Jisung is almost thirty-five minutes late. Since Seungmin arrived earlier in the morning, Hyunjin wanted to distract himself from thinking of him, from thinking about the fact that Seungmin is now closer to him. He is not going to lie, it feels overwhelming. Suffocating. And who better than Jisung to make him feel better? He is about to call him when Jisung enters the place. His hair is messy, his breath seems shaky and he looks like he has seen a ghost. 

"Hyunjin, what the fuck?" Hyunjin raises an eyebrow, clearly confused.

"'Hey, Hyunjin, sorry that it took me too long to arrive, shall we order?'" 

"Did you know Seungmin came back?" 'Oh', it's all Hyunjin says. Now everything makes sense.

"Jeongin told me." Jisung takes a seat in front of the blonde boy, trying to regulate his breath. "How do you know?"

"And why the actual fuck didn't you tell me? Shit, Hyunjin. I just saw him! He was with… you know, with them." Hyunjin knows. He also knows how painful it is to even pronounce their names. And he feels awful because, after all, it's all his fault. 

"But did he see you?" 

"No. I ran away before he or any of them could see me. At least I think they didn’t. How could I face him after all?" Jisung seems sad, he even looks a little ashamed. He seems like he feels guilty. And Hyunjin knows he does. For a moment, Hyunjin feels envious again. Because even if it was from afar, Jisung had the opportunity to see him. 

"Why? Because you stopped talking to him because of me?" The sarcastic tone doesn't pass unnoticed to Jisung. And it pisses him off. Sometimes he remembers how similar they are. Sometimes he remembers how that fact drives them to stupid arguments.

"It wasn't because of you. You have _nothing_ to do with who I talk to and who I don't. It just… happened like that. We started to lose contact once classes started and— I don't even know, it just went like that. We stopped talking naturally. And I feel like shit about it." If it was only that. If it wasn't for Hyunjin and his rushed and stupid decissions… 

"Yeah, well. Tell me about it." Hyunjin scoffs. A young waitress comes to take their orders and they talk almost at the same time: americano.

"What are you going to do?" That is, in fact, a very good question. A question Hyunjin doesn't even know how to answer. A question Hyunjin doesn’t want to answer.

"I don't really know. I didn't think about it. Jeongin told me to wait if I want to talk with him, but… do I?" 

That is all Jisung needed to explode. "Are you for real now? You have spent like the whole fucking year crying over him. And you're now telling me you don't know if you want to talk with him?" Jisung looks exasperated, tired. He looks like he wants to punch Hyunjin. For a moment, even if it's just a second, Hyunjin recalls third grade Jisung. Good times, he thinks. "Fuck off, Hyunjin."

"Easier said than done. How am I supposed to look at him after all, Ji? Apart from that… he will be better without me. He deserves better."

"And what about you, Jin?" Hyunjin blinks, not knowing what to answer, once again. "What do you deserve?" Hyunjin now gulps. He gulps the lump in his throat. Because he doesn't know. Because he doesn't want to know. Because everything is just too much. "Everyone makes mistakes. We are human. We fuck up everytime we can. That is what we do. That's the only thing we are good at. But you know, Jin — what is important is to learn from those mistakes. To become a better version of yourself. I'm the best example for that. I messed up _everything_ a bunch of times. Hell, you were there to see it. I fucked up when I dropped college without my parents knowing. I fucked up when I ran away from home because mom scolded me. I fucked up my friendship with Seungmin. I even fucked up our friendship more than once, Jin. And look at us. Here we are." Jisung smiles. It's a recomforting smile. It's reassuring. He takes one of Hyunjin's hand over the table and squishes it slightly. "What I'm trying to say is that you should stop being a fucking cry baby and do something about it. 'Cause that's what I'm going to do."

"Wow, thanks. Quite comforting. The 'fucking cry baby' part, I mean." Hyunjin smiles, but it fades as fast as it comes. "What are you going to do?"

"I'm planning on talking to him. I missed him… I _miss_ him, Jin. I want things to be as they used to. I miss _them_." The waitress places their drinks on the table. Jisung smiles and mutters a 'thank you'. "I talked about it with Changbin hyung yesterday. He also wants and is going to talk with him. The question here is: are you?"

_Am I? I want to, but I'm not ready for what could happen when the time comes._

_I'm not ready to let him go when I finally have him in front of my eyes again._

_I'm not ready to hear his voice saying that he doesn't love me anymore._

_I'm not ready to break my own heart._

"Hyunjin?"

"I'll do it. I don't think we'll get back together, but… it's definitely something we need to talk about." 

"That's my boy."

"I guess I'll have to thank you." Hyunjin says, faking a disgusted face. But a smile quickly replaces that expression.

"Let's not make this overly emotional, I'm already sad after seeing him."

"Whatever."

  
  
  
  


A few days have passed since Seungmin arrived and Hyunjin doesn't have any news from Jeongin. He is feeling anxious and desperate and just wants to get everything done. He feels that, as the days pass by, he is farder from Seungmin. He feels that he is closer to losing him completely.

'Before I Lose My Mind' by Etham is playing. Hyunjin knows it's stupid to choose that song among any other song he could have chosen. He knows the only thing that song does it's to break him even more. But at this point he doesn't care. Because it is the only thing that keeps him sane. Because it is the only thing capable of making him travel to those days where he was happy. With _him_. It is the only thing that carries away both his pain and memories. It is the only thing that can make him feel like Seungmin is there with him.

It is while 'Before I Lose My Mind' is playing when it finally happens. 'Hyunjin… Are you awake?' But Jeongin's name is nowhere to be found. Instead, he finds himself reading Seungmin's name. And he has to blink just to make sure that he is not dreaming, that he is not hallucinating. It is so sudden, it is so shocking that, for a moment, he panics. He panics and breathing seems like something too difficult to do. But he has to be strong. He has to stop being a 'cry baby'. 

That night, Seungmin asks him to meet. That night, Hyunjin's heart is, once again, filled with a little faith, with a little hope. Hyunjin knows he shouldn't be happy too soon, he knows everything could end once they are done talking, but seeing Seungmin aiming to talk to him, the mere fact of talking to Seungmin… it's just something he waited for so long that he can't help it but feel a strange warmth he hasn't felt in a long time. And, for a moment, his mind wanders between his memories with Seungmin, trying to recall Seungmin's own warmth. The only warmth he craves. 

Seeing him again... it's just like a dream. A dream he knows can turn into a nightmare. That night, they both agree to meet the next day. That night, unknowingly, both fall into the arms of Morpheus while thinking about the other. That night, without knowing it, they both fall asleep listening to the same song. _Their_ song. The song Seungmin listened to when the pain got too unbearable. The song Hyunjin listened to when his heart weighed too heavily inside his chest. The song that, from the very first moment, always kept them together, linked. 

That night, even if they just shared a few texts, Seungmin cries to sleep. Because he is not ready, because he is scared. Because he knows that, if Hyunjin asks him to, he won't hesitate on running back to him. Seungmin cries because, even when it doesn't seem like so, he is weak. He is weak for Hyunjin. He is weak for the person that easily holds his whole heart. He cries because he knows Hyunjin owns his heart and will always own it. He cries until his eyes are swollen and his eyelids are heavy. He sleeps and the same song he has been listening to on loop keeps on flooding his ears, soul and heart.

  
  
  
  
  


The time has come.

Seungmin takes a deep breath before knocking on Hyunjin’s enormous house door. The last time he was before that door, he was greeted by Hyunjin mother’s big and warm smile. He misses her. Seungmin closes his eyes and, once he opens them, Hyunjin’s mother is not there, instead, he is. They’re staring at each other, they don’t dare say a single word. They just stare into each other’s eyes, trying to decipher what is going on in the other’s heart, as they used to know in the past with just a mere glance. Hyunjin stands aside so Seungmin can come in, and when he closes the door behind him, he feels trapped in a nightmare. Because he knows how everything will end. There are already two glasses of water placed in the small table of the living room, and Seungmin doesn’t hesitate in drinking a bit of one of them. He feels his throat is dry, so dry that it hurts, so dry that he fears he might not be able to talk once he has to. Hyunjin is looking through the large window, staring at her mother’s flowers and plants in the garden. Seungmin’s favorites, daisies, are still there, as beautiful as always.

“Seungmin.” It’s all he says. He is not even looking at him. It’s like his name just slipped from between his lips. Seungmin looks at him. He tries to process the sight in front of him. He tries to memorize Hyunjin. Until he realizes it’s not time for that.

“I really think I should—” 

But Hyunjin doesn’t let him finish. “Please, just, _please,_ let me talk first.” He begs, and when he looks at Seungmin, Seungmin can see the sadness in his eyes. As well as he can also see the dark circles that surround them due to the lack of sleep. Or so Seungmin guesses. Seungmin wants to say something, but even so, while looking at Hyunjin’s desperate and dark orbs, he just can’t. Words don’t come out, words don’t make sense anymore. Words are trapped in his throat. So he just waits for Hyunjin to keep on talking.

“Seungmin, I know _anything_ I could say right now won’t repair for any of the damage I’ve caused you, which is a lot. I know that, even if I apologize a thousand times, even if I bring you the moon… I know anything I could do won’t take away the pain I’ve caused you. I know that even if I beg you on my knees, that even if— even if I beg you to come back to me— fuck, sorry.” Hyunjin excuses himself. Because his voice is betraying him, because his voice keeps on breaking. Because even when he promised he would try not to, _he is breaking down._

“Why?” This takes Hyunjin by surprise. And there are so many things he could answer to that question that for a moment he doesn’t understand what exactly Seungmin is asking for. As if he could read his mind, Seungmin continues: “why did you break my heart, Hyunjin?”

There are a lot of things Hyunjin could answer. There are a lot of things Hyunjin can’t even express. “Seungmin, I— It’s just— It’s just so difficult to explain… I couldn’t take it anymore. I missed you so fucking much every single day—”

“You missed me? Are you being serious right now? And what about me, Hyunjin?! What do you think I was doing, huh? Having the time of my life? Having fun? Partying? Do you really think I was _fine_? I missed you too, Hyunjin! I missed you so damn much— There was no day I didn’t want to take a flight and come back to Korea, damn it. There was no day I didn’t want to come back to you.” Seungmin’s breath is as shaky as both his hands and heart, his eyes are already watery. He has his fists slightly clinched, and he looks in so much pain and so broken that Hyunjin feels like dying. “Do you really think I moved to the US just for fun? I did it for the sake of my studies, Hyunjin! And— And I even asked you about how you felt about it. And… the fact that I wouldn’t have gone if you told me not to. I— If I knew I would lose you… You promised me, Hyunjin! You promised me you would wait for me!”

“I’m sorry, Seungmin, I’m so fucking sorry! I thought I would be able to endure it. I _really_ thought I would be able to wait for you. I thought— I thought I was strong enough. But I guess I wasn’t, I guess I’m not. Fuck, I’m weak, Seungmin-ah. I’m a coward. That’s all I am.”

Seungmin is looking at him, and for the first time in the six years they know each other, Hyunjin can’t see through him. He is not able to tell what is crossing Seungmin’s mind, he is not able to understand what Seungmin is thinking. And it makes him anxious. It makes him so anxious that his lungs shrink inside his chest, leaving him without air. “Coming here was, once again, a mistake.”

Hyunjin is not able to process what is going on, and when he sees how Seungmin makes his way to the front door, when he sees Seungmin walking out of his life again, he panics. “No. No, Seungmin, no, no, _no._ Please, don’t. Don’t go.” He rushes to grab his hand. He grabs it so tightly that it hurts Seungmin, but he says nothing. He just stares at Hyunjin as he tries to hold the urge to hug him. It seems that he now has the answer he was seeking for. It seems like, even after everything, he would just hug Hyunjin and forgive anything he could have done or anything he could do in the future. It seems like he is, indeed, weak. “Seungmin, _please_ , don’t go. I can't lose you. Not again. Fuck, Seungmin—” Hyunjin lets go of Seungmin’s hand and takes some setps back, bringing both of his hands to his head. “Don’t leave me again…” But his voice is now a whisper that gets lost in the strained air of that living room.

“Hyunjin, I can’t—”

“Yell at me.” He says as he looks at Seungmin. He looks at him as if he was giving him his life. “Yell at me! Tell me all the things you wanted to say when I broke up with you. Yell at me so we can go back to the way things were. Because I don’t know how much longer I can stand it without you.”

“You’re an asshole, Hwang Hyunjin.” He spits. Seungmin’s hand grip on the doorknob tightens, but he lets it go as he acknowledges he has already lost. “And I’m so stupid… I’m so stupid because I still love you.” Hyunjin’s eyes widen, but he can’t say anything. “Hyunjin, was there someone else…?”

“What— No. No, Seungmin! How— How could you think I—?” Hyunjin wants to take his hand, but Seungmin moves it away. His eyes, Seungmin’s, are now filled with both hurt and tears. And somewhere in between, shame. “It’s always been you. Since the beginning. Since the first time I saw you. Even after _that_ day. Even after all I did, even after I fucked everything up. It’s always been you, Seungmin. It will always be you. After all these months… after everything, you’ve been the only thing on my mind. Every day, every hour, every second. _You_ filled my mind all the time, Seungmin. I regretted— I _regret_ everything _every single day._ ”

There is a small silence in which they just stare at each other, but Hyunjin has no time to waste. Not anymore. “I just wanted you to be happy. How was I supposed to take that huge opportunity away from you? Going to the US… how was I supposed to ask you to stay? I’m selfish, Seungmin, but not that much. I’ve always wanted what is best for you. And— I really, _really_ thought I could go through all that pain that meant having you away from me, Seungmin-ah. I thought I would be able to wait. I thought I would be able to not have you between my arms everyday, as I was used to. But I was wrong. I was _so_ wrong. Every text, every video call… It hurted. It hurted so damn much, Seungmin. And I was so selfish. I was immature. I didn’t handle things the correct way. I didn’t want to worry you by telling how awful I was feeling. I didn’t want to distract you from your studies. You were so stressed everyday… It was painful. It was painful to see you like that and not being able to take care of you… I felt useless. I felt like a bad boyfriend. And I ended up becoming one. If only I could turn back time, Seung. If only I could travel to that day and stop me from doing that— Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Seungmin is not one to hold grudges for a long time, and for that, people tend to see him as someone weak. Some people think Seungmin should have more self-respect, that he should have more pride. Other people, on the other hand, admire him. Because not everyone is capable of putting aside their feelings to analyze the situation correctly; because not everyone is capable of putting themselves in the place of other’s. Seungmin is not like that. Not at all. He can get easily pissed, he can get mad and angry and furious, but at the end of the day, he will quickly forget about it. Seungmin is intelligent, and even when he seems mentally strong, he is also sensitive. Seungmin is caring, Seungmin listens carefully to other people’s worries. Seungmin listens and tries to see them as if they were his own. So when he has Hyunjin crying in front of him, on his knees and with his shaky arms tightly wrapped around his waist, he can’t help but forget about everything that has happened until that very moment. It is now, while Hyunjin’s sobs fill the atmosphere of that empty room, when Seungmin can’t help but place a hand on Hyunjin’s hair. It has grown longer since he last saw him, and Seungmin unconsciously moves his slim fingers all along Hyunjin’s gold strands. It feels soft under his touch. He wonders, as stupid as it actually is, if Hyunjin still uses that shampoo brand he always used to steal from him. 

“It’s okay,” he murmurs. His voice is weaker than expected, but not enough to be unnoticed by Hyunjin, who without loosening his hold around his body, raises his head to look directly at Seungmin’s eyes. Just to find out that they are also watery, “I’m here.” He says, but Hyunjin doesn’t believe it. He doesn’t believe him. Because even when he is in the same room as him, even if he is actually touching him, feeling him, he still feels to be far away from him. Even when he is right in front of him, between his arms, Hyunjin still misses him.

“Why are you being so nice, Seungmin? Why are you forgiving me?” Hyunjin’s voice, unlike Seungmin’s, sounds loud and clear, the only difference is that his is broken. “I really don’t deserve you, Kim Seungmin. I really don’t.”

Seungmin gulps under the other man’s words. Without unlocking his eyes from his and being careful so Hyunjin’s grip doesn’t leave him, he kneels in front of him. And it seems like time and they and everything around them has freezed. Seungmin leads, hesitatingly, both of his hands to Hyunjin’s cheeks. To caress them, to wipe away his tears. It’s been so long that it feels new to him. The touch of Hyunjin’s skin against his own is magic. It just feels right. It feels like home. And Seungim missed his home. “I also hurted you, Hyunjin. I just didn’t realize that until it was too late.”

Hyunjin lets out a bitter laugh and lowers his head, evading Seungmin’s gaze. “It’s amazing how even now, after I’ve hurted you so much, you’re still the one giving me comforting words. Even now that I have you here, I can’t keep my promise.”

“What promise?”

“The promise of being a better hyung for you. The promise of taking care of you. Of loving you better.” It’s been a few seconds now since Hyunjin has stopped crying, but his eyes are red and swollen and his cheeks are still wet from the tears he dropped. Seungmin is left without any words to even utter, and when Hyunjin looks at him directly in the eye, he feels how his heart skips a beat, as it used to do a year and a few months ago — as it used to do every time he was with Hyunjin. It’s Hyunjin’s turn to cup Seungmin’s face between his trembling hands. “You can’t imagine how much I’ve craved for this moment. You can’t imagine how desperate I was for this day to come, Seungmin-ah. You _really_ can’t imagine how much I’ve missed you, how much I’ve cried for how stupid I was, how much— how much I’ve missed having you between my arms, kissing you, holding your hand, your laugh, your cute little weird sounds.” Seungmin smiles at this, but he is crying. Hyunjin returns the smile while his thumb travels along Seungmin’s cheeks. “Fuck. I’ve missed _everything_ about you, Seungmin-ah. There was no day I didn’t regret everything I’ve done. There was no day I didn’t wish for everything to turn back at how it was.”

Hyunjin lowers his head, but Seungmin softly raises it to look at him. They stare at each other as different feelings are now displayed in their eyes. Sure, there is hurt. Sure, there is doubt. But there is also love, there is also forgiveness. They pull their lips together. It’s just a soft touch. It feels clumsy, it feels as if it was the first time, but it doesn’t fail on giving them chills. Hyunjin leans his forehead on Seungmin’s and closes his eyes. Seungmin imitates him. Their hands not leaving the other at any moment.

“How stupid am I if I still love you, Hyunjin?”

“How stupid am I if I let you go, Seungmin?”

“Then don’t let me. Please— Don’t let me go again… Don’t release my hand. Hold me tight. Just— Just don’t leave me again, Hyunjin.”

And Hyunjin does as Seungmin tells him to do.

  
  
  


**December 12, 2023**

I guess some things are meant to be, I guess we are one of those things. Seungmin-ah, even when you are sleeping next to me, even when I can hear your heavy breathing, this still seems surreal for me. This feels new. Because I am so damn lucky to have you as my boyfriend. Ah, sorry, I’m not used to calling you fiancé, yet. It’s stupid how after two months since I proposed to you I still can’t get used to call you my fiancé.

Seungmin-ah… Are you happy with me? Does it make sense that I still wonder that? All of my worries now revolve around you: “has he eaten yet?”, “should I bring home some tteobokki?”, “Seung would really like this, should I buy it for him?”, “am I doing well?” All my thoughts are for you now, Seungmin. You’re in all my thoughts. You’re always on my mind. You reside in my heart.

Tell me, Seungmin, will our love last forever? When I have you right in front of me in the altar, when we take our hands and promise our love to last until death tears us apart… will that be true? Because I want it to be. I want to hold you every single day of my life, Seungmin. I want your smile to be the first thing I see when I wake up and the last when the day is finally over, after the sun settles. Would you let me, Seung? Would you let me love you until we share our last breath?

Seungmin-ah, let’s be happy for a long, long time. 

**— hhwang**

“Yah, Hwang Hyunjin, what do you think you are doing?” His boyfriend’s, no, fiancé’s sleepy voice startles him. Seungmin has his eyes a little narrowed due to Hyunjin phone’s screen light and he slightly wrinkles his nose. “Are you aware of what time it is? Tomorrow you will complain when I wake you up, you’ll see.”

Hyunjin is not even listening to him. He’s just staring at his pretty sleepy bare face, at his messy and rully hair. He is lost in his eyes. He is lost admiring everything about him. “You’re so beautiful.”

It can’t be much appreciated since the room is dark, but Hyunjin can tell Seungmin’s ears are red. Because, even now, after all that time, he still blushes at such sudden compliments. Even now, he still gets shy. “What are you saying? Jeez, go back to sleep.” Seungmin says while he covers himself with the blankets and turns his back to Hyunjin. Hyunjin, on the other hand, just chuckles and places his phone on his nightstand; and with a satisfied smile, he wraps one of his arms around Seungmin’s waist, just to feel his fiancé’s hands over his, caressing them. He can also feel the ring he had spent so much time trying to find in his finger. A dumb smile is drawn in his face as he gets even closer to him, if that is possible.

“Goodnight, Seung.” He whispers, leaving a soft kiss on the top of his head. “I love you.”

He closes his eyes and, after a few minutes, when Seungmin thinks he is already asleep, Hyunjin hears him whisper an ‘I love you too, Jin’.

And Hyunjin, once again, smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> so many things i want to express that i can't
> 
> [social media au ver](https://twitter.com/maradaeng/status/1307418176486072321)  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/maradaeng)  
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